Ouran Crackfictions
by Jenna Darknight
Summary: These are a series of random fanfictions I did in a challenge with a friend.  Keep in mind while reading them, I was sleep deprived...oh, and I pick on Tamaki a lot.  Enjoy!
1. For Spite

(AN: This was part of a Crackfiction challenge a friend and I engaged in over Aim. We were given a set of characters and an object to be included in the fic and ran with it. I apologize for the extreme randomness, but enjoy this nonetheless. Ouran High School Host club belongs to Bisco Hatori.

Crackfic challenge #1: A Kasanoda x Kyoya fanfiction that includes Hunny's bun-bun.)

Kyoya liked having order and predictability in all of his daily activities. Unfortunately, predictability were severely lacking when it came to the eccentricities of the host club and its hare-brained king. The shadow king had made an effort to at least institute a sense of order; otherwise he most likely would have strangled Tamaki and the Hitachiin brothers very early on. Customers came in, designated hosts, got their allotted time and left. Very simple, very orderly, very efficient; all in all, definitely the work of the type a personality that was the Host Club's Shadow King.

Kasanoda, the heir to a Yakuza organization had been one of a few unforeseen wrenches in the works, and unlike the others he kept popping up. Mostly on days like today, when the Host Club was calm (well, as close to it as that place got). Tamaki had hatched a brilliant cosplay scheme early yesterday morning (and had preceded to talk Kyoya's ear off at four in the morning, which pissed him off to no end) of dressing up in 1960s styles. This stemmed from Tamaki's recent addiction to the American Austin Powers films, and it came as no surprise that he chose to dress as the man himself, complete with ruffles. The Twins had been ecstatic about the entire thing and had immediately designed the clothes for it. This explained why Kyoya was currently in the undignified ensemble of tastefully worn bellbottom jeans, a bright, multicolored tie-dyed shirt and an equally multi-chromatic headband with Birkenstocks to complete the whole ensemble.

It was then that Kasanoda had decided to wander in, covered in dirt and several other unidentified substances signifying he had just come from the gardening club. He often came by in this state to give Haruhi gifts in his attempt to woo her. Naturally, like the attempts of her other potential suitors, these attempts failed miserably and were generally fairly amusing to watch. Today however, considering his current state of degradation and irritation, Kasanoda was not leaving the host club unscathed.

Of course Kasanoda was completely unaware of Kyoya's eminent rage, as he was too busy trying to get over to the far corner where Haruhi was entertaining a group of love struck fangirls. Suddenly a firm, somewhat violent hand on his shoulder spun him around and held him arms length away from the Demon Lord. He swallowed visibly, torn between laughing at Kyoya's ridiculous outfit or running as far away as possible. Before he could come to any kind of decision, Kyoya spoke with a low voice dripping irritation and an edge of sarcasm, "Kasanoda, how many times have I told you to clean up before entering the Host Club?"

Kasanoda spoke rather shakily, "Several…I-'m sorry! I forgot, I was in such a hurry that I-"

Kyoya interrupted his (perceived) inane explanation, "I don't care what sort of botanical wonder you were trying use to woo Haruhi with this time. Clean up now or I will personally throw you out. Do I make myself PERFECTLY clear, Kasanoda?"

Kasanoda nodded vigorously, hoping to avoid any form of bloodshed, "Of course Kyoya, I'll make sure to be perfectly clean when next I come into-"

"NOW Kasanoda."

"Right!" Naturally, Hunny's bun-bun had been dropped near Kasanoda, who was too afraid of meeting death before he was 20 to take a look at his surroundings. It should be noted that it was entirely accidental that Kasanoda slipped on said bun-bun and fell; Right onto Kyoya and kissing him square on the lips. After the near instantaneous burst of fangirl squeals from the guests and an equally fast apology and mad dash out of the third music room from Kasanoda, Kyoya slowly got up and headed out towards his limo and a healthy dose of Advil, deciding there were some days that just didn't pay to get out of bed.

Naturally it was also a given that the twin taped everything and sold it as club black market. It was always fun to give the taskmaster of order his own dose of chaos once in a while.


	2. Dropping in

(AN: Again, another in this series of crackfics. There'll b around 8 of them when I get done with them. Ouran High School Host Club belongs to Bisco Hatori.

Crackfic challenge #2: A Hunny x Nekozawa fic involving a cosplay of Bun-Bun and Beezelnef.)

The Ouran High School Host Club would have functioned just find without any of the theme days and the cosplays, but they tended to happen anyways. The somewhat eccentric mind that had birthed the Host Club felt the need to "keep variety within the functions of the host club in order to better service the lovely young ladies who come to adore us handsome specimens of male perfection". The actual explanation went much on much longer and resulted in the Hitachiin twins falling asleep.

This was the reason the Host Club was currently dressed up in various animal costumes (no one could understand the reason for this PARTICULAR cosplay, but nobody particularly cared anyways so that particular Pandora's box stayed closed), which were really nothing more than ears and a tail. Naturally Hunny was in a (very adorable, according to his fans) bunny costume, sitting next to Mori (dressed as a Husky) and devouring his 1,000,567 cake of the day. Nobody was quite sure how the minuscule teenager was able to consume such vast quantities of cake (Kyoya had actually had a team of his family's best doctors look into it, but even they couldn't come up with an answer), but he did and his fans seemed to love it.

Tamaki was busy entertaining his guests while dressed as a lion (with an added mane to complement his ears and tail) when he noticed the Twins had disappeared. This was indicated by their brotherly love deprived fangirls, who were whining excessively and occupying his usual 'corner of woe'. Looking around, he spotted them in one corner of the room, over by the door Nekozawa preferred as his entrance. He decided he didn't particularly like the identical Cheshire cat grins on their faces (ironic as they were dressed as said cat) or the fact that they were flagging him over excitedly. He decided he didn't want to go over there alone and grabbed the nearest person by the arm who was, to his immense disappointment as he'd hoped he might have grabbed Haruhi's hand, Hunny. Dragging Hunny away from his cake (which was like dragging a pit bull away from a steak) Tamaki walked over to the twins.

"Why aren't you two hosting your customers? They're getting impatient."

The twins just grinned at him, speaking together, "We thought you'd like to see the extra costume we made for this particular cosplay, milord."

"Extra costume?" Tamaki definitely didn't like how their grins got bigger as they knocked on the door. It slid open to reveal a person dressed up as a rather large Beezelnef.

"Hello again, Mr. Suoh. I thought you might like me…dropping in." The hollow, wispy tone of Umehito Nekozawa slid out of the hood, making Tamaki yelp and run off to the safety of the furthest corner, where he hid behind Haruhi's chair, much to her annoyance. Hunny looked at Nekozawa for a minute before giving him a rather forceful hug.

"Sorry that Tama-Chan doesn't seem to happy with your visit, Neko-Chan. Wanna go eat some cake?" Nekozawa never got to respond as he was dragged over to the table. He did send the twins a pleading look, but they were too busy rolling around on the floor laughing to care.


	3. Verbal Abuse

(AN: Crackfic Challenge #3: write a two page Tamaki x Hunny, somehow involving the Lobelia girls.

Ouran High School Host club belongs to Bisco Hatori)

There were two surefire ways to cause complete and utter chaos in the lives of the host Club. Now, that's not to say that their lives weren't already chaotic, but these events could trigger a total catastrophic meltdown in even it's calmest of members. These two events were a club trip or the arrival of the members of the Zuka Club from the St. Lobelia Girl's Academy. The latter often caused chaos simply by being mentioned, as their previous exploits had been troublesome and detrimental (at least for a little bit) to the basic functioning of the Host Club.

The Zuka club's obsession of getting Haruhi into the Zuka club had lead the members of the Host club to do some things that were mentionable only in a gossip column or a fangirl's (i.e. Renge's) Doujinshi collection, including cross dressing and sneaking in as a member of the Benibara fanclub with Haruhi's father.

The Zuka Club had arrived on Ouran's campus in their usual fashion, complete with iris petals and pirouettes, to once again try to persuade Haruhi to come over the light and join Lobelia. However it was fortunate (or unfortunate, depending on who you were) that the target of the Zuka Club had already left campus, unbeknownst to them, on a shopping excursion for the club (a.k.a.- get more instant coffee for the twins). However, the other members of the Club were present so this presented an opportunity to verbally abuse and degrade the members of the "abhorrent" Host Club. This verbal abuse wasn't very effective on anyone but the Host Club's self-proclaimed King, Tamaki Suoh, as the Hitachiin brothers tended to ignore it, Kyoya and Mori tended to be unfazed by anything and Hunny was generally sucked up in eating his millionth cake of the afternoon with Bun-bun.

It really didn't bother most of the club's members when the Zuka Club came through their doors in a burst of petals. Everyone except Tamaki pretty much looked up, muttered appropriately irate comments and went back to whatever it was that they were doing. Tamaki, however, immediately went into the nearest corner, hoping that if he appeared small and non-threatening, the horrific women would leave. But luck was not with him, for when the women noticed that their target was, much to their chagrin, not present; they immediately targeted the Host King for interrogation.

Tamaki cringed as they approached him, inwardly preparing himself. Hinako was the first to say anything, "all right, where's the fair maiden?"

The twins (for once in his life, Tamaki thanked god for their presence) answered, "She went out to shop for the club. We don't know when she'll be back. Can you leave now?"

None of the girls registered the last sentence and continually interrogated Tamaki until he was practically crying out of fear. Finally, after four hours and no satisfactory answers the Zuka club pirouetted out of the room, causing the entire club to breathe a sigh of relief. However, Tamaki still sat in the newest locale for the 'corner of woe' (also identified as the 'corner of sorrow', 'the corner of dejection' and 'the corner of self-pity'), sniffling and attempting to not cry.

Hunny wandered over after a couple minutes of this and tapped Tamaki on the shoulder. "Tama-Chan, do you want to have some cake with me? It'll make you feel better." Tamaki just nodded and let Hunny lead him by his sleeve to the nearest table.


	4. The Fair

(AN: This crackfic is notable because it introduces one of my inside joke minor characters, the fried noodle stand guy. It also introduced page limits to this challenge. Enjoy!

Crackfic Challenge #4: Hikaru x Tamaki + a Ferris wheel and chocolate cake + 3 pages your choice of spacing.)

Tamaki had an annoying tendency to become completely fixated on things. His longest running obsessions were Japanese culture and anything to do with commoners. Thus it was that the six men (and one girl) of the illustrious Ouran High School Host Club found themselves at a commoners fair. Surprisingly, Haruhi was the first to get bored and, to the dismay of Tamaki, wander off, probably to find the fastest way home. Naturally, Kyoya shared her sentiment on the complete and utter uselessness of this "research".

Tamaki, who had finally come out of a newly made 'corner of woe' after situating himself there after Haruhi's abrupt departure, showed an infantile enthusiasm that was shared by (excluding Kyoya) the remaining Host Club members. He immediately went over to some of the game kiosks, fascinated by "commoner amusements". The twins weren't far behind, pleased to finally find a new source of amusement.

Hunny dragged Mori off towards a nearby food kiosk, excited on discovering a new type of cake. Kyoya decided to follow Tamaki and the twins as more amusement would come with their behavior than watching Hunny devour yet another cake. Mori could do that well enough with out his help. There was a secondary motive as well; Kyoya hadn't quite forgiven the Twins (more, specifically, Hikaru, as he'd planted Bun-bun) for their involvement in the Kasanoda debacle. Ever since then he'd had to fight of the "Bossa Nova x Kyoya MOE fanclub" that Renge had founded, and it had been incredibly bothersome. He'd naturally (although he did feel a bit guilty about it later, not a whole lot mind you) taken it out on Haruhi, as her debt was an easy target. Tamaki and Hunny had both taken to protecting her from the wrath of Kyoya's black notebook. The twins had simply found it funny. Now, was Kyoya's turn to laugh, after all, paybacks a bitch.

Tamaki and the twins wandered around trying out the various games, much of the time failing miserably (needless to say that Tamaki spent a lot of time developing mushroom patches all over the fairground in newly established 'corners of woe', much to the ire of many a kiosk owner) while Kyoya simply watched and waited. After a bit Mori and Hunny caught up, with the diminutive senior carrying a funnel cake and the taller boy carrying a chocolate one for his cousin.

Tamaki lead their little "research team" away from the kiosks and over near some of the amusement rides that had been set up. The Twins both got excited at the sight of another merry-go-round and almost trampled Tamaki in their haste to get a ride, causing Tamaki to irk yet another Kiosk owner with one of his mushroom patches. As Kyoya idly watched his idiot friend get verbally abused by a fried noodle stand owner he began to contemplate a way to get the twins without leaving too many fingerprints. His train of thought was interrupted when the fried noodle stand owner went from verbal abuse to actually smacking a mushroom covered Tamaki over the head with his rather large spatula. Sighing and rolling his eyes heavenward, He went to go save the 'King' of the Host Club from and inglorious death and possible mutilation at the hands of the fried noodle guy.

After fifteen minutes of trying to negotiate with the noodle guy (and avoiding the spatula himself), Kyoya managed to drag Tamaki back to the rest of the group. The twins had finally come off the Merry-go-round after a couple of rides to watch their lord 'get his ass handed to him by a purveyor of Fried Noodles'. Mori and Hunny were at a nearby picnic table, the latter having gone back and gotten a second funnel cake. He was currently focused on his newfound variety of cake and the chocolate one sat next to Mori, ignored.

Taking all this in, Kyoya cleared his throat, "You haven't tried the Ferris Wheel Tamaki. I thought that was the first ride you wanted to go on?"

Tamaki quickly stood up and grabbed the nearest person to him (Hikaru) and dragged him up to the Ferris wheel. Kaoru watched, chuckling to himself, as his brother tried to get away from milord and failing miserably. He jumped slightly as Kyoya happened to appear right at his shoulder.

"Kaoru, I'm going to need your help for something. You don't have too, but I may let it slip to Haruhi who snagged her bag yesterday…" Kaoru felt a chill run up his spine, both from Kyoya's icy tone and Haruhi's imagined reaction, and quickly nodded an affirmative to whatever Kyoya was about to do.

Hikaru leaned against the side of the little cart, glaring at Tamaki. He'd honestly rather be down with Kyoya (which was saying a lot as he was terrified of the shadow King) than have to put up with Tamaki. Deciding to voice his thoughts, Hikaru turned to Tamaki only to notice the idiot was too fascinated with the view to really pay attention to anything else. Shaking his head, Hikaru found himself smiling at Tamaki's childish enjoyment of the ride, realizing he wasn't much different when it came to the merry-go-round. Leaning back, Hikaru decided to enjoy the remainder of the ride.

After a couple minutes the ride slowed to allow passengers off as expected. What was not expected was a chocolate cake to come flying at the two Host club members. Tamaki (thanks to some miraculous dodging skills he developed during the Twins' fights) was able to duck in time, allowing the cake to nail Hikaru full on the face. Kyoya grinned as Hikaru yelled at his younger brother, but planning for a bigger payback. After all, the Shadow King of the Host Club was not to be trifled with.


End file.
